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When you caught your roomate in the act: Hit Record 6 min.


Having sex with your friends is a polarizing activity. I am not a big fan of getting drunk and just seeing what happens in any aspect of my life, to be honest, but especially this one! To be very clear: this article is specifically about fucking your friends in a onetime event or limited-engagement few times, and then remaining platonic friends with them. I am simply offering a road map for anyone who has ever wanted to have sex with a friend and then continue a healthy friendship with that person afterwards that may or may not include fucking again from time to time.

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I spoke with more than 30 queer humans while writing this piece and here are some of the reasons why they enjoy having sex with their pals:. Fuck your friends, it is fun. I learn so much from my friends in all areas of my life, sex is no exception. Deeper friendships. Less pressure on one relationship to be totally sexually satisfying.

You should not feel any shame about this. Everyone is different. If you never ever ever want to fuck your friends, mazel tov! This is the part you should do first by yourself. Are you just really horny? There are two routes you can take here: direct or indirect. No one will be surprised to hear that I like the direct way bestbut since so many of the people I chatted with for this article suggested the indirect way and beseeched me to include that as an option, I will.

Being direct does not have to be a huge grand gesture, and it does not have to be scary.

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I love direct communicationso to me, this is actually the easier of the two. Here are some direct ways to ask your friend if they want to sleep with you. Who is to say! One person described a scenario where a friend was leaving a party because she got a booty call from her ex. No pressure, of course! Basically, I phrase sex as another activity you can do with friends, with clear expectations, agreements and understanding of the impact. And yet.

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So here we are. The indirect approach is tricky and not my favorite approach because it really is hard to pin down the concrete action items here. Basically, from conversing with so many different people who swore by this method, it seems everyone agrees that sometimes a spontaneous moment just happens, and things work out.

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So you asked your pal if she wants to have sex with you and she said yes! Hell yeah! I advocate for this during all sex, actually, but in the case of fucking a friend I find it extra important for everyone to be on the same. If you and your pal are both into kink, platonically playing together is a great way to get those needs met.

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Your plan should include logistics are you fucking in the bathroom at the bar? Are you taking a Lyft to her house? Will you meet next week at the park and have a picnic to relax before actually having sex? Some people have a very easy time being vulnerable with their pals, and sex with a friend can feel a lot more open and free for these folks than a one night stand with a Tinder hookup would feel. This is a good time to remember all your good etiquette about sex. With your friend! Who you probably platonically love and if not, at least definitely like!

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In an ideal world, sex with a friend is easy and not earth shattering and fun and something that could happen again or might not and either would be fine. We do not live in an ideal world.

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When you fuck your friend, I think the two major fears are: 1 What if this ruins our friendship because one of us becomes emotionally attached and 2 What if this ruins our friendship because the sex is terrible? And I want to validate those fears — both of those things could happen!

As I said upfront, this is an article about fucking your friends and then remaining friends. The goal here is not to morph your friendship into a relationship. Look — if you have sex with a pal five nights a week for 3 months in a row, text or hang out 24 hours a day, eat breakfast together every morning, and adopt a kitten as a group project… that is no longer just a pal. You are probably going to fall in love with that pal.

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You know what I mean? As for the other fear — that the sex will be bad — well, it might be! Presumably you care for this person, and they care for you. Both outcomes are pretty okay. Spoiler alert: to me, this is the most important part of the entire article. Continuing a friendship after sleeping together is going to look different for different people.

Talking is the only way forward.

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This falls in line with the boundaries we discussed in Step Five; after sex I want to get dinner and revert to platonic interactions. If you are someone who does cuddle and gush with your friends all the time, that might feel like totally fine and chill behavior to engage in after sex — or you might want to do less of that immediately after having sex, just to hard reset the platonic boundary.

This step is truly different for everyone, and may even differ amongst different friends you sleep with, because no one does friendship in the exact same way. The dream! You can even be honest with your pal about them, but remember, ultimately the goal is to remain friends and they are not your therapist nor do they owe you anything outside the boundaries and expectations you set before you slept together.

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What will you do if you or a pal suddenly start feeling butterflies, or jealousy of their actual dates? Would you need to take a break from having sex, from your friendship, from both?

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There you have it! Go forth and fuck your friends. As always, please feel free to share your tips, tricks, and personal experiences in the comment section. Vanessa is a writer, a teacher, and the community editor at Autostraddle.

Find her on twitter and instagram. I wonder if you have any thoughts on sleeping with friends while in an open marriage that is also open to becoming poly? Oooh boy I could have used this like 2 years ago haha I have successfully slept with a friend a new friend, but definitely was friend vibes until it…shifted, shall we say. It was the scenario you noted — just a few times, largely related to party scenarios in which alcohol was involved.

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Then we decided that it works best as friends between us and even though I was butt hurt for a hot second, we talked and cleared the air and checked in and then it just was totally fine! Who knew?! I have also done this very unsuccessfully and started sleeping with a friend that I had harboured a crush on for months, and months, and neither of us were available to do anything about it.

Until we did…and then it was very messy, and then we dated, and then it ended badly and now we are VERY much not friends. Right there with you.

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Truly the wisdom I needed in my life. Thank you so much. Thank you for this article — it helped me to finally message my friend about this. Although she said no which tbh I expected, there are some contextual factors that make it not the best idea for her right now it is a relief and will probably be beneficial to our friendship to have actually talked about it. She said that she very much appreciated the offer and that I included that a rejection would not hurt our friendship so thank you for that tip specifically!

Great Article!! One golden rule which has become even more glaringly clear during the covid social distancing era, is to keep your emotional and your lustful expectations apart and distinct. This actually helped so much. Was scared when I asked my friend but she said she was cool with and we just went at it. You've decided to leave a comment.

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That's fantastic. Please keep in mind that comments are moderated by the guidelines laid out in our comment policy. Let's have a personal and meaningful conversation and thanks for stopping by! The rest of this article, however, is for those of you who do. So you want to have sex with your pals?

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Get clear about your sex with friends hopes and dreams This is the part you should do first by yourself. Ask your pal if they wanna have sex with you, as friends There are two routes you can take here: direct or indirect. The Direct Approach to Sex With Friends Being direct does not have to be a huge grand gesture, and it does not have to be scary. Make a plan So you asked your pal if she wants to have sex with you and she said yes! Have fun!

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When you caught your roomate in the act: Hit Record 6 min.